Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Wordy Wednesday is back!

34w 6d

It's been a while my little pet. Wordy Wednesday is back. I haven't done one in a while because, well, I ran out of words/phrases. There comes a point in pregnancy where things kind of slow down and the baby is just...growing. We all know what the word 'growing' means, we also know what the word 'boring' means, catch my drift?

If you are new here and are all like, "Huh?" or if it has been so long that you cannot remember what a Wordy Wednesday is, looky here first.

Let's get to it!

Alright, so I am nearing the best part of pregnancy: where I get to dump this kid out (I am feeling really lady-like and motherly today). This is the FUN part! The part that terrifies my husband, the part that I am just leisurely strolling into while whistling Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. At some point, I know I am going to trip over a crack in the sidewalk and BAM! need to push out a baby. Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

At my next appointment, my doctor will start weekly internal exams. (DISCLAIMER: This may get messy, so cover your eyes now if you are a little squeamish or you don't enjoy bagels) Don't make me explain what 'internal' means. One thing she will be checking for: Dilation.

Dilation: You know when you buy bagels, and you know that Mr. Thomas f'd up because there is barely a hole in the middle of the bagel? I mean, sure you would be excited because HEY! You got more bagel for your buck! You might be tempted to, ahem, stick your finger in the middle of the bagel to make the hole bigger. Just for fun. Just because you are human. In late pregnancy, you want your bagel's hole to be as big as possible, and no amount of poking, unless by a medical professional (even then, good luck) is going to make your bagel hole bigger. Bagel=cervix here for those playing at home. Cervix= what the baby needs to "head" through to make it out and achieve outside-baby greatness for those who are female-part-challenged. Cervix does not = vagina.

Dilation is measured in centimeters. 1 centimeter=HA! Fool! Or, wahoo! more bagel! 10 centimeters=get ready, you are about to push something the size of a watermelon through something the size of a lemon. Good times. Or, what a rip off Mr. Thomas!

For your visual pleasure, I have added a dilation chart (or bagel hole chart):

So, basically the doctor is checking for dilation of my cervix to see if I am progressing towards labor at all. In the grand scheme of things, this really means nothing at all since some women go from closed-up bagel hole to barely-any-bagel-left in mere hours.

Next week: Effacement. Oooohh Ahhhh. Class dismissed.

I apologize for STILL not having the surprise I mentioned yesterday up. Trust me, I am just as excited as you are. I am sure now that I mentioned it again, it will be ready. Right?


Lindsay Stemple said...

You are killing me here!! I mean it is the summer at an accounting firm and I am bored so I keep checking back for the surprise and you keep me hanging on!!! :)

Melissa said...

I will never look at a bagel the same way.

That surprise better hurry up!

Erin said...

hmmm...for some reason the bagel I just had for breakfast isn't sitting so well now.

Colleen said...

At least you didn't refer to it as a donut.

momto1 said...

Lol!! Great metaphor! You should try "perineum" for your next wordy wednesday...and I have to say, if you aren't interested in an episiotomy, the perineal massage was very helpful for me--I only needed two stiches, and healed really quickly after birth. Start now if you haven't already--it isn't comfortable, I must warn.

sassy stephanie said...

I am so glad I'm not you right now. But, happy for you! ha!

Been there three times and man does this part of it suck!

My advice: bring the video camera, right before the baby comes down the shoot, put the camera in a chair or somewhere (NOT on you) but still recording. You will capture all of the sounds and excitement of the moment that angel enters the world. I still cry listening to each of mine.

Best of luck to you!

And congrats on making the SITS blogroll this week!

Laura said...

OMG--that was funny.

girlferns said...

You need to have your own birthing class! You make it seem less scary!

angie said...

Dying here. YOU have only gained 21 lbs.???????

Control Freak said...

I had a Cinnamon Crunch bagel from Panera for breakfast. GOod thing I read this AFTER! Stop keeping us in suspense!

Crazy Momma said...

OMG! I am SO glad I followed you here from Saucy Blogs!

Hysterical...but I agree with Melissa, I may never look at bagels the same way again :)