Ju-LIES!

30w 5d

Hello July! So nice to see you. Your appearance can only mean one thing, right? That my precious, lovely, not-too-big but not-too-small, stork-dropped, sleeping all night from the beginning, never-pooping, never-crying, completely self-sufficient from the beginning BABY is coming in less than 2 months, RIGHT? Right. What are those laughs, Internet? Why are you laughing at me? I didn't say anything funny. This is what happens after 10 full months of carrying a baby, right? They fall out of you without you even knowing and then your body immediately goes back to its pre-pregnancy size, or even smaller, correct?

That means I can stop trolling the web for the not-so-fun products and ideas I will need for after his delivery, right? So I won't need to buy stock in Shrek-sized double thick, extra absorbent woman diapers? Super.

No need for the dairy cow milker? Or the completely covered to HEY BOOBIES! in less than .5 seconds bra?

What about this little find? What about this gem that I found on Lil Sugar today? It's a frozen condom pop. Can you imagine your husband's surprise to find these guys lining the innards of your freezer? And no, that's not what you do with it, although the thought briefly crossed my sick mind as well. Just lay this puppy in your undies and ahhhhhh soothing relief. Although I am not sure how sitting would go, but I am sure I would have wanted to try anything, right July? That is, IF I would have needed these products/ideas.

What's that July? "Bwahaha continue shopping oh naive pregnant one?" Is that what you said? Watch your back July. That goes for you too, August. I may just be armed with frozen condoms and I bet they hurt.