Dear Baby - Week 34

34w

Dear Baby,

ZzzzzzZzzzZZzz....WHAT? ::wipes drool:: Oh, hi baby. You see, you are making it very hard for mommy to sleep lately with all of your sudden weight gain and disco parties. Yeah, I am aware that I already did a whiny post yesterday about all of my 'ailments', but last night was super-fun considering my hips feel like they might fall off. Then you would have a no-hip mom and that would make for awkward conversation. I find myself becoming less and less fun these days and more and more cynical and "mumbly". Zzzzz ::snore::

Hey! Good morning baby, how are you today? This week, according to the emails that flood my inbox on a daily basis, you weigh close to 5 pounds and are somewhere around 18 inches long. I can believe it since the kicks, punches and rolls are really hurting now - I know I have said they hurt in the past, but NO REALLY they kill now. Especially the kicks and what feels like lobster claw pinches around what is surely my cervix. This gives me what feels like period cramps, sometimes throws me into a Braxton-Hicks contraction, and always makes my back hurt. The emails tell me that your fluid is at a max and there is most likely more baby then fluid now, which is why all of the movement is more noticeable, especially on the outside. I mean, anything that can take your dad's eyes away from The Office re-runs for a couple minutes MUST be pretty spectacular. We are really getting a kick (pun intended) out of watching you "throw bows" and knees and feet, butt and head all over my abdomen. Speaking of that fruit smuggling stomach, check this shit out:
Here I am at week 29:

And here I am this week (week 34):

BOMBS AWAY! TORPEDO BELLEH!!! Lock up your kids and call the National Guard!
Oh yeah, and did you notice? Can you see the fun scribbles I have now? Yes, those red marks on my hips, yes those are STRETCH MARKS. Dun dun dunnnnn. Good thing is I don't have them anywhere on the front of the belly. Yet. The only thing showing up there are veins as blue as the sky. I am pretty proud that I made it 33-ish (I noticed these last week) weeks without any stretch marks. AND I am pretty damn proud that I can still wear my wedding rings.

And just for fun, because all of the emails are tell me you are like a cantaloupe this week, this is what mom my looks like with her shirt down (I can hear that! Stop it with the sighs of relief Internet!):

6 more weeks until I stop comparing you to fruit. 3 more weeks until you can "legally" come out. I would prefer the latter.