Saturday, August 29, 2009

They want S'mores!

I will be blogging over at Learning Two Reed today because THE TWINS ARE COMING!!!

Friday, August 28, 2009

A Teaser

Lesson 12 - What spinach? I think a lot of moms will agree with me in saying that the health and nutrition of your child is probably THE most important thing in the first year. You are pretty much setting the standard for the rest of their life. I would much rather get him used to eating healthy things now than arguing with him about eating the good stuff later.
Mealtime has definitely been a challenge lately since my GREAT eater off all things pureed has turned into a picky eater. Enter Jessica Seinfeld's Deceptively Delicious. Works like a freaking charm. I am finding new ways to hide veggies in EVERYTHING. This even makes life easier for me because I prepare the purees ahead of time, freeze and then mix into whatever I am making.

Look for recipes, stories and outcomes on the new blog coming soon! Sorry to be a tease but I am SUPER busy this week!!

Monday, August 24, 2009

Conspiracy Theory

Lesson 11 - Save your money.

Babies totally don't care about toys that were actually made for them. Okay, sometimes they do, but most of the time? Most of the time they think that every day items are waaaay better. Take the remote for example. Do you think Mason plays with his Elmo remote? Hells no. He would much rather change the channel and mess up our input settings on the regular remotes. Paper bags? HOURS of entertainment. Keys, water bottles, trash cans, coasters, cell phones, nail files, etc etc etc.

I have a theory. What if we played with all of their baby toys from the beginning and ignored our everyday "toys"? Would they think that their toys were cool again? I mean, I don't know about you but I get down right giddy in the toy aisles at Target and Toys R Us. There are so many cool toys out there for kids. Maybe that's the point. Maybe the toy manufacturers are onto something. Maybe they are making the toys for the parents. Maybe I need to take my medication now.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The non-bubble baby.

Lesson 10 - As I told my friend Jessica, babies bounce.

I think the first time was when Mason was VERY young. Like, still carrying him like a baby young. I slipped on the stairs and almost dropped him, but he was saved from hitting the ground...that time. The next time was when he started rolling. You know how when your baby gets to THAT age and every time you go to the doctor for a well check-up she says, "Make sure you don't leave him alone on the changing table, he might roll off."? It was somewhere around there. I turned to get a onesie out of his closet and like a dream, slow motion rolling happened. I caught him mid air, but I still think he tasted a little bit of the ground.

We had a break for a while, minus all of the "learning to sit" toppling with little bumped heads here and there. Next up was Mason vs. the stairs. Twice. One incident you all witnessed in the chicken abuse video, the next was a mere two weeks later when Mason decided to climb up three stairs and practice standing by himself. You can imagine the outcome of that one. Let's see, ah yes, next was what we lovingly refer to as "The Bed Dive". Every morning, we bring Mason into bed with us while we work on getting our eyes to stay open for the day. Usually, Mason can see the foot board of the bed, but today it was covered by our comforter. Which happens to be silk. Awesomeness. On this particular day, Mason crawled to the end of the bed and kept on going. All I saw were legs straight up in the air.

Most recently, like this morning, stupid me forgot to fasten the straps on my dear Maclaren stroller. We were browsing in a book store and Mason evidently wanted to check out a book on the nearest shelf he could reach. He fell right out of the stroller, head first onto the ground. He now has a lovely carpet burn on his forehead. After I showed him a nearby stuffed elephant he was completely fine.

Luckily, we haven't had any serious injuries yet. Most of the time, he is watched very closely. As many of you moms know, you cannot be everywhere at once and sometimes things happen. Not even the best babyproofers are completely, well, babyproofed. Do not beat yourself up over it. Shit happens and it will continue to happen. Maybe worse! Maybe you will have to go to the emergency room a time or two. Everyone does. Who wants a bubble baby?

Friday, August 14, 2009

The BEST skill.

Lesson 8 - Put down the Windex

Since I suffered from some MAJOR anxiety in the beginning, I felt like my house was in shambles at all times. And it was. Okay, maybe not shambles, but definitely not up to our standards. What I didn't, couldn't realize was that HI! You just had a baby. No, really. You were just in labor for 30 hours before it was decided that you had a "special" pelvis and couldn't deliver a baby. Oh, and guess what else? You haven't slept in EIGHTYBAZILLION years. Chill, lady.
Any time Mason was sleeping, or someone else was holding him, it took everything in me to not jump up and clean. A lot of times I couldn't fight the urge and would clean, forgoing showers, meals and sleep to clean my stupid house. Seriously, how stupid is that?
If there is one "Lesson" you pay attention to and take any little morsel of advice from, let this be it. Step away from the duster. People will understand. Or better yet, have someone else clean for you for a little while - or at least until you get your sanity and clean hair back. You are not a bad mother or wife for doing this.
Who wants to spend any of the "free" time that you get (and it is very little) cleaning, eating, showering, or doing any of the other everyday things that we all must do? How fulfilling is that? The best mothering skill I learned was how to take a shower with Mason watching in his bouncy seat, or clean the house with him happily riding in his carrier on my back, or eating with one hand - or better yet, handing him off to Paul or someone else.
Spend the precious moments while the baby is sleeping by READING, watching TV, napping, grocery shopping, writing a blog - whatever butters your muffin. I cannot stress how much this improved my mood and level of happiness. This doesn't go on forever. I now shower while Mason plays with a laundry basket. I clean while he chases the vacuum. He eats when we eat (and feeds himself!). And when he naps? I surf the Internet, watch DVR'd shows and sometimes !gasp! nap.
My house is clean, my hair is clean and everyone is happy.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Does this make any sense at all?

Lesson 7 (I think) - You just wait.

Ah. The dreaded three word phrase of parenting and one-uppers. Your kid won't sleep through the night? You just wait - my kid is 7 years old and still not sleeping through the night. Baby refuses to take a nap? Oh honey, you just wait - they never want to take naps until they are teenagers, then they never want to wake up. Not sleeping well because you are nine months pregnant and the baby is sitting on your sciatic nerve? You just wait until the baby is actually here! YOU JUST WAIT!

What am I waiting for, exactly, oh mother-of-doom/debbie downer? Really, I hate this phrase. It may be a little more than hate. There is something inside of you as a parent that kind of clicks once you have a child. You want to warn everyone that OMG YOU HAVE IT SOOOOO MUCH WORSE. Paul and I have done it before - not so much anymore but definitely in the beginning when we were all "NO MORE BABIES!" and "THIS BLOWS THE BIG ONE WHAT WERE WE THINKING?" because we were not sleeping and totally delirious and where is the Ambien/can we still give him back to the hospital? We did this particularly when a friend or family member announced that they were pregnant. How awesome are we?

So there it is. My diagnosis of why parents feel the need to use scare tactics on each other. We are not trying to make you feel better, because if we were, we would say something like: "Baby isn't sleeping through the night yet? It does get better." Even then, that phrase used to annoy the hell out of me. No, my friends, we are trying to make US feel better. Just another reason why we should all shut the hell up and smile and coo over how extremely cute your new baby is. But I write a blog, so I guess I am constantly putting "it" out there.

To sum it all up. God, I hate that phrase, but it's use it inevitable. And since you made it through this rambling/does not make sense at all post (I love BACKSLASHES today) ////////////// look! A cute, snot covered baby!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


Lesson 6 - A little diddy about birth control.

There once was a young couple in love. One day, two years ago, they got married. They knew they wanted children but were not sure when. They decided it was okay if she went off of birth control because it would take a while for it to clear out of her system....right?
Well, two years later, they now have an 11 month old.
What is the moral of the story here kids? The moral is that fate is real. Happiness is real. Love is real and it cannot be stopped. Not even by pumping your body full of hormones for 10 years.

Happy 2nd Anniversary lovie. I love you more and more every second. Even when you agree that it is probably okay to stop birth control. You are supposed to be the smart one in this relationship. Kidding. Thank you for my beautiful son - he is our love brought to life for everyone to see.

Monday, August 10, 2009

A whole different language.

Lesson 5 - Language Explosion

Okay, maybe not a lesson...but I am sure I can spin it as one. I just really wanted to share this with all of you. Over the last week, Mason has really started "talking", or trying to anyways. He has always been a chatterbox, but none of it really made sense to us. Recently he started saying the following:

-dada (this one has been going on for a while, but he gets who he is talking about now HUGE difference)
-mama (same as above)
-"nana" means he wants food...just figured that one out
-baba & all of the other ones like that.

Here's my spin:

Dear Tiff and Paul,

Stop using bad words in front of your child NOW before he starts riding around the local big box hardware store and saying "fuckfuckfuck" when you ask him how the ducky goes.


Your Conscience

Friday, August 7, 2009

Golden Books are always too long for bedtime.

Lesson 4: Lying is okay.

While reading Mason his bedtime story...

Paul: Let's read the Pokey Little Puppy.
Me: That's a long one.
Paul: Well, he's not grabbing the pages of the book yet, maybe we'll make it through.
Me: ::snark snark snark silently to self::
Paul: "Once upon a time, there were five little puppies...."
Me: ::yawn::
(Mason starts grabbing the book on the second page and tries to close it)
Paul: (after struggling for two pages to wrestle the book away from Mason and continue reading, but only getting to page 4 of 80 bagillion) "...and they all ran down the hill. The End."
Me: And out into the road where they got hit by a truck. Mason, never run out into the road. That was the best story ever.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

It's a sickness.


The strangest thing happens once you have a baby: you become obsessed with everything that oozes out of their tiny little body. I actually get excited when Mason wakes up with crusty boogs in his nose. I love them. He hates when I try to pick them out. It is totally disgusting and twisted, but I cannot help myself.
Do you see it? Do you see the booger?!
The poop. Oh the poop. In the beginning, it is all "what color is it?", "is it seedy?", "Awww honey look! Meconium!". Breastmilk poops are the FUNNEST. They are runny, gross, but surprisingly don't smell. After that, once I switched to formula, NASTY CITY. Smelly, smelly, smelly poop. And solids? Don't even get me started! Sometimes there is a thick, black fog of poo-smells that creeps under the nursery door and straight up into my nose, burning every tiny hair in sight.

I never thought I would be one of those moms who licks her thumb and cleans her child's face. OH I am. Especially if there are crusty boogers involved. Gagging while you read this? You just wait! (stay tuned for a lesson on that very phrase: YOU JUST WAIT!)

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Don't look the crazy person directly in the eyes.

Lesson 2: Be careful what you say.

I don't know how well I hid 'the crazy' at the beginning. Some people probably brushed it off as new mom baby blues, or new mom anxiety, tiredness, bitchiness, or whatever. Some people probably knew, but didn't know what to say. I don't even think I fully knew what was going on for a while.

I do know one thing though: When you are dealing with post-partum depression/anxiety issues, the tiniest things can set you off. I felt like I was constantly being judged. I felt like I wasn't good enough. I felt like a horrible mother. I could go on and on. There were people who are very close to me that I felt were hurting me with their words and actions on purpose. They might have meant it, they might not have - I don't know, nor does it really matter now. I know now that it is very important to watch what you say to new mothers. They are doing their best. Let them do what they want to do. Keep your mouth shut no matter how bad you want to open it. They might be dealing with a monster inside of them, don't fuel the fire.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Countdown to the big day.

I have learned so much this past (almost) year about more than just motherhood - but mostly motherhood. In celebration of the upcoming completion of my first year of motherhood, and surviving a completely new life, I want to share the lessons I have learned - one at a time - as a countdown of sorts until Mason's first birthday. Enjoy.

Lesson 1 - The term "sleeping like a baby" is complete shit.

You will never sleep like you did as a teen again. In the beginning, Mason was up every two hours to eat, took an hour to eat, leaving me an hour to eat, shower, nap, clean, change his diaper, whatever. I have never felt tired like I did in the beginning. This lasted about 3 months (not so much the two hour thing, but just about) and then it started to get better. He started sleeping more, and eventually I got used to it, then after that he started sleeping all night. I forget when this was exactly - I would have to look it up (look for the lesson on "momnesia" soon). We got about a month of peaceful., fulfilling rest - or as close to it as you can imagine, because do you know what catheters do to you? Trust me, just because there is no baby jumping up and down on your bladder anymore DOES NOT mean you won't be getting up to pee during the night. Or hearing the baby. Was that the baby? No? I could have sworn I heard the baby.

Then teething hits...and possible nightmares....headaches?.....separation anxiety....crawling....standing....FUN FUN FUN. He still wakes up sometimes. Sometimes he doesn't. It's a crap shoot. But think about it: do you sleep EVERY night, through the night, without waking up? Hells no. You are an adult though. You aren't scared. Truth is, when Mason goes to college, moves out of the house, and I no longer have to worry about him - maybe I will get some sleep. Maybe I won't. That's only like, what, 17 years away?

Monday, August 3, 2009

Dear Mason - 11 Months

11 Months

Dear Mason,

::shock::..........::awe::..............::speechless::...............::uhm::.............HOLY SHIT!

It was this past month where you really started to look like a toddler and less of a baby. I know I have said this before, and I might say it again - but wow. Just wow. Where did my little homebody go? You know, the baby that would scream and cry the ENTIRE time we were out of the house? Not that I miss him, but this new little guy - the one that enjoys every.single.minute of being out of the house - he's great. Or how about the little boy that quietly sits in his playroom and flips through books and plays with trucks? What a GREAT baby. I'm extremely lucky - I know this.
You have recently started to stand all by yourself. I have not yet witnessed this, and sometimes think your dad is lying, but it's pretty cool either way. You run to us, well, SUPER crawl towards us whenever you spot us, with a HUGE rat teeth smile and climb up our legs and throw yourself onto us. What a wonderful feeling. You have also started biting. That shit hurts. You usually only bite me or your dad - love bites, perhaps? We are constantly asking you how a doggy goes and you reply with a form of "woof, woof" which usually sounds more like "wooo, wooo". Or the monkey "oooh oooh ooooh" and our next venture: the cow. You are so smart.
Your new favorite game is called PUSH. PUSH the toys across the room. PUSH the water bottle across the room. PUSH anything you can find. You study everything, which concerns me since your father is an engineer. Engineers are dorks buddy. Artists and left-brains are way cooler. You have also started giving THE BEST HUGS EVER omg. We have also officially entered the clingy phase - not so bad, except when one just wants to poop in peace.
I guess I am just awestruck with the speed of your little life so far. And your intelligence and personality. I am so proud. I am so happy. I am so full of love. You make me smile, cry, laugh, learn and be thankful for you. I am finally starting to realize that all of the work, pain and tears in the beginning are paying off. I am being rewarded - and I feel like the richest person on earth.