Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Effacement: The Deli Counter Version

35w 6d

Happy Hump day, or as we call it around here, Wordy Wednesday. You won't need to pull up a chair for this one, or pop any popcorn - chances are you won't be hungry after reading this because I NEVER let my readers down. Okay once. Maybe twice.

Effacement. Imagine you are at your local grocery store. It can be whatever you want; Giant Eagle, Acme, Whole Foods, Winn-Dixie. Whatever. You walk up to the meat counter and when asked how the lovely (always lovely) meat counter person can help you, you explain that you need a pound of...ham. Let's use ham today. Unless your selection has already been sliced, and you are happy with that slice (but who ever is?) you become an instant pain in their ham-slicing ass. You want a thin cut. Or maybe you like it thick, but when we discuss effacement, you want it thin. Trust. So they are forced to dig out the big hunk-o-ham and IT IS THICK.

In normal medical people/pregnant people worlds, effacement is the thinning of the cervix or, in in last week's WW, your bagel. Yes ladies and gents, first I tell you that the bagel hole needs to be big and now I am telling you that your bagel needs to transform into meat.

Back to the meat. When asked, the customer usually tells the lovely meat counter person that they would like their meat sliced "thin" or "medium". Some even use their fingers to show this measurement, some use REAL measurements. Medical people (whom I sometimes call doctors) use percentages when it comes to effacement. "Your cervix (ham in this case) is 25% effaced or 75% effaced". In order to be ready to give birth, you want that ham to be 100% effaced, or paper-thin, transparent even. Again, this can only be checked by a certified meat measuring person, or DOCTOR.

So the next time you are at the meat counter, you may be tempted to tell the lovely meat counter person that you would like your ham 75% effaced. I think that would be a nice slice to perhaps top a bagel?

This concludes our active labor edition of Wordy Wednesday. BUT WAIT! You say. What about your water breaking, or contractions? Really, Internet? Do you really want me to find some food product to explain this? Haven't you been tortured enough? Just remember. Bagel hole needs to be big and the ham needs to be sliced extra thin. We'll see what next week will bring. I am sure it will be stomach-churning as usual.

4 comments:

Colleen said...

Oh Tiff...

Amy said...

Dammit! Ham is my favorite! And it will never be the same.

nancy said...

Now, not to dissapoint....but, I have to admit that your analogies are spot on..and have been increasingly informative for me. The whole bagel theory...well, it made sense...this whole effacement thing though, ham or no ham is still a mystery! My mind isn't grasping it what is thinning?? And where is it??? I guess as long as it's a thin slice of ham at the end of the day it doesn't really matter.:) I may just remain confused.

angie said...

Um......is this what happens when you are DONE being pregnant? In laymans terms that is? j/k