Dear Mason - One Year

One Year

Dear Mason,

Where do I even begin? I have been thinking about writing this post for what seems like forever but alas, I still cannot come up with the appropriate words. What can I possibly say about you that I haven't said before? You should know everything by now. You should know how much I love you, my lingering guilt over the first couple months of your life, how you are the love of my life, my sunshine, my rain, my heart.

Your personality is still the same. You are a ball of fire and a breath of fresh air all at the same time. You melt not only my heart, but everyone else's around you. You are wonderful, beautiful and every other adjective that could possibly describe LOVE and BEAUTY. I read over all of the Dear Mason posts. Every single one of them. It is amazing to see the transformation in you and in myself. You changed who I am and I will never be that same. You made me a mother.

Even when you push me away and bite and scratch and pull my hair in frustration, I am still bursting with love. Even when I call you a "little shit" or yell "no no no no no NO!" for a straight hour my insides are melting with love.You are the only thing in my life that is absolutely perfect in every way. And this is what I want to tell you: Your life will not be perfect. Your relationships, dreams, marriage, house, car, bank account, family, etc etc...they will never be exactly like you imagined them. Do not let this take you under. Do not even for one second dwell on any of it. Please be happy. Be the best person you can be. Be yourself and speak your mind. Put 110% into everything you do, even if it is someone else's 10%. That's all I will ever ask of you. I just want you to be you because that is the most important thing you can be. I will always be your mother and you will always be my Mason. No matter what.
This is officially the last post here. Head on over to my new blog for a good time.

Dear Mason - 11 Months

11 Months

Dear Mason,

::shock::..........::awe::..............::speechless::...............::uhm::.............HOLY SHIT!

It was this past month where you really started to look like a toddler and less of a baby. I know I have said this before, and I might say it again - but wow. Just wow. Where did my little homebody go? You know, the baby that would scream and cry the ENTIRE time we were out of the house? Not that I miss him, but this new little guy - the one that enjoys every.single.minute of being out of the house - he's great. Or how about the little boy that quietly sits in his playroom and flips through books and plays with trucks? What a GREAT baby. I'm extremely lucky - I know this.

You have recently started to stand all by yourself. I have not yet witnessed this, and sometimes think your dad is lying, but it's pretty cool either way. You run to us, well, SUPER crawl towards us whenever you spot us, with a HUGE rat teeth smile and climb up our legs and throw yourself onto us. What a wonderful feeling. You have also started biting. That shit hurts. You usually only bite me or your dad - love bites, perhaps? We are constantly asking you how a doggy goes and you reply with a form of "woof, woof" which usually sounds more like "wooo, wooo". Or the monkey "oooh oooh ooooh" and our next venture: the cow. You are so smart.

Your new favorite game is called PUSH. PUSH the toys across the room. PUSH the water bottle across the room. PUSH anything you can find. You study everything, which concerns me since your father is an engineer. Engineers are dorks buddy. Artists and left-brains are way cooler. You have also started giving THE BEST HUGS EVER omg. We have also officially entered the clingy phase - not so bad, except when one just wants to poop in peace.

I guess I am just awestruck with the speed of your little life so far. And your intelligence and personality. I am so proud. I am so happy. I am so full of love. You make me smile, cry, laugh, learn and be thankful for you. I am finally starting to realize that all of the work, pain and tears in the beginning are paying off. I am being rewarded - and I feel like the richest person on earth.

Dear Mason - 10 Months

10 Months

Dear Mason,

I realize that the majority of this month's letter is probably going to focus on the last couple days of month 9 of your life. As you can see, mommy hasn't had much time to update her blog lately because somebody has become a holy terror. I know, readers, "JUST WAIT" you say. Well, I am waiting... this is NOT a CAN'T WAIT! situation. This is a PLEASEIambeggingyounottowalk any time soon situation.

Mason, do you know that in the last week you have visited 3 new states, rode a Metro, rode down an escalator, went on your first amusement park ride, stayed in not one but THREE hotels, visited your nations capital and made countless otherwise-grumpy people smile? Well, believe it. I will admit, taking a 10 month old baby on a road trip in theory sounds like the working of a crazy person, but you were WONDERFUL. You only had one meltdown, and who wouldn't after being through what I put you through last week?
You swam your little heart out. I am going to predict that you are the next Michael Phelps. I have never seen such a little man want to swim so badly. You scream (happy screams) every time we get in the water and you kick your legs until you fall asleep - which you did on the last night of our trip, in the pool. Hilarious. You are into EVERYTHING these days. In fact, I have to make a trip to the big baby store to buy more locks for the cabinets since you think it is funny to mess with mommy's wine paraphernalia - hint: NEVER mess with mommy's wine paraphernalia.

People on the DC Metro generally keep to themselves and are not willing to smile, make eye-contact or any kind of acknowledgement that other people, do in fact, exist around them. BUT, once they saw you, or heard you they SMILED. And asked how old you are. And commented on how happy and adorable you are. You have a gift, little man. NEVER lose it. Keep smiling and talking and making people smile - we need more people like you in this world.

*there will be more photos and stories from our little adventure, soon!

Dear Mason - 9 Months

9 Months

Dear Mason,

Lately, I have been finding myself craving to hold you. I think it is because since you started crawling this month I am realizing that you are becoming your own little independent person. Soon, you will probably want nothing to do with me. It makes me so sad to think that my body was such an asshole in the beginning and blocked me from realizing what I was missing. I was too busy worrying about SIDS, BPA, nipple confusion, sleeping patterns and what everyone else thought about my parenting skills to see that my little boy was growing up FAST. One day, I woke up and you were no longer a newborn. Soon thereafter, I woke up and you were looking more and more like a toddler. I feel like I missed so much because of my disease (or whatever you want to call it). Now that I am better, and able to think more clearly, I know that it does nothing for me to dwell on any of this. Instead, I choose to congratulate myself in overcoming all (okay, most) of my anxiety. So what if I caught flack for not putting my son to sleep on his stomach right away, he's still alive. I started buying everything BPA free and now you cannot find anything that has BPA in it - guess I was on to something! My son HATES pacifiers - at least I never have to worry about taking them away from him. And finally, you sleep like a DREAM - guess I did something right there too!

Your dad and I still go to bed every night and gush about how much we love you, how cute you are and how we cannot believe how big you are getting. You clap, you lift your arms when we yell "touchdown", you crawl, you wave, you say "dada" among other things, you pull up to stand on everything, you cruise and more that I am sure I am forgetting. I really think that I even heard you practicing the word "cat" quietly to yourself a few times. Going out places is so fun now because all you do is flirt. You get so excited when you see new people and love to look around. You are so vocal and are constantly making some kind of noise.

You have a very analytical mind, which is not surprising given who your father is. You study EVERYTHING and love to open and close, open and close, open and close whatever you can find (which includes my laptop, good times). You have more personality than some adults I know, which you of course got from your mother. Another lovable trait (or not) that you inherited from you dad is the ability to fall asleep at pretty much any given time- as long as you are tired. You have now fallen asleep THREE, yes THREE times in your highchair during lunch. I remember when I used to cry, yell, beg and plead for you to JUST GO TO SLEEP. Sometimes I wish I could remember those early days (or months) better so I could document what EXACTLY I did to cause this.

Every day gets better and better with you. You laugh over nothing, you still cry over nothing (it's okay, momma does too), you make the best expressions and cutest noises. You are becoming a cuddler (I am doing my damnedest) and an ornery little boy all at the same time. I hope and pray that you will be a momma's boy, because so far I have been jipped in this whole thing. Your dad's looks, brain, athletic ability and narcolepsy versus my personality. I just need to know that I am doing an okay job and that you are happy - and your favoritism. Is that too much?
I love you.

Dear Mason - 8 Months

8 Months

Dear Mason,

When your father and I agreed to an "adults weekend" with friends 2 hours away I probably silently jumped up and down and screeeeeched to myself. Holy sleeping in, no diaper changing, dangling earrings and high heels! Little did I know that when it came down to actually handing you off to my mother-in-law, I would be a mess inside. 5 months ago, I would have been more than happy to leave you for a night. It sounds horrible and a lot of you are probably shaking your heads, reaching for the red x in the corner of your screen because you can't believe what a HORRIBLE mother I am BUT it's the truth. I was going through a lot, WE were going through a lot as a family. It's amazing how quickly things change. I have always loved you but I wasn't always THAT mom, crying at the thought of leaving her baby for one day.

When we came home, you were still out with Goga and Papa, gallivanting around Home Depot, and I had a chance to vacuum, take a shower and try to fight my minor hangover a little. It was so quiet, toys were still scattered around the house and for a split second I got a glance of my former life. That life seems so far gone. I can't imagine life before you, I don't remember it. Then you came home. I couldn't wait to see your little smile, your THREE teeth. You instantly began pulling my hair, sticking your fingers in my mouth and up my nose, it's like we never missed a beat.

Your ornery side is beginning to show, I knew it would eventually. At one time, I was declaring that you would not crawl but you have really started to make leaps and bounds in that department. Just this morning, you actually crawled a little towards the remote - ignoring the hundreds of toys scattered around you. I am baffled at the thought of planning a first birthday for MY SON in a mere 4 months. I guess all it takes is a night away and a glimpse of a former life to remind you of how lucky you are - even while clumps of your hair are being ripped out.

Our relationship at this moment kind of reminds me of a Bjork song and video - as strange as that sounds.

Embedding was disabled for the Bjork Youtube vid, but here's the link if you care:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1A_uSEjTIQ

Dear Mason - 7 Months

Dear Mason,

Sometimes, life happens. Sometimes, mommy is not always on time. This is especially true once the person that used to be called Tiff, is now mom. Before you, I used to be punctual, early even. I was NEVER late. NEVER. I always had a built-in buffer zone of 5-10 minutes so that if something were to happen, I would still be on time. Here I am, no longer Tiff, now mommy-Tiff and look at me. 4 days late on your monthly letter. 10 minutes late for your third swimming lesson (it's only a 30 minute class).

When I realized that I only had 3 minutes to make the 10 minute drive to swimming yesterday, I didn't panic like I once would. I smiled. I looked back at your reflection in your extra-large mirror (another on the must-have list) and I smiled. I was late for a swimming class. Not a client meeting. I have a son, and since I was too busy playing with him to notice the time, I was running late...to his swimming class. The anxiety I once felt is gone. Whether it is mommy's crazy pills, the expensive therapy sessions, or just plain LOVE, the bad stuff has disappeared - all because of a little, fat, happy baby named Mason. You are a rolling machine. ROLLING. Something that once caused me a sleepless night (OMG, my son is BEHIND, there is something wrong, why is he not rolling, he has autism!!!) came and went in a blink of an eye. You roll like crazy. You are normal. There is nothing wrong with you that you didn't inherit from your parents - and that is that you do things on your own time, not when some stupid author/doctor/random lady at the grocery store tells you you should. You are a little fish. You giggle at nothing and everything. You talk to the microwave. You roll. You warm hearts. You light up rooms. You are irresistible. You are mine.You have no idea how incredibly lucky you are. Do you know how many built-in friends you have already? You have 2 cousins that are within 7 months of your age either way, a new friend that was born yesterday, another 3 on the way, and don't forget the 4 other cousins you have that are older, wiser, and probably the ones who will at one point in your life invite you to little sibs weekend at their colleges, or buy you beer when you aren't quite 21. You also have an extended group of baby-friends that are the children of mommy's internet friends. And DOGS! DOGS! are your friends. You love DOGS! Every month gets better and better with you. I go to bed at night thinking, "how can I possibly love him any more?" but somehow, you make me. My heart just bursts every time you smile at me.

6 Months - Dear Mason

Dear Mason,

Half of a year - that's how long we have known you now and I have never met anyone with such character. I was fully aware of the ever-changing 'babyness' we were embarking on when you made your tiny way into our lives but I was not prepared to go from this:

To this:
in such a short amount of time. You want to hold your bottle, and sit up by yourself and not be rocked or sang to. "Just put me in my damn crib already so I can go to sleep mom!" I never get sick of people telling me what a good baby you are, and how easy you are. I know I am lucky. Even when your dad and I try to escape for a night all we can do is talk about you and mimic your laugh and raspberries and little quirks. I cannot stop thinking about the past 6 months and how much you have changed and what a ride it has been. How you went from a non-sleeping baby to a 3 hour napper. I always worried what kind of mother I would be and how on earth I could ever raise a child to be the best person they could be, but I think I am doing a damn fine job so far.

I cannot wait until the winter goes away so I can take you outside to explore the things that you longingly look at through the window. You don't have time to explore when we leave the house since you are gasping through the cold air and I am rushing you inside the car or the store. You have started to watch the world go by through the car window when we are driving somewhere and I cannot help but wonder what you are thinking. Are you amazed at how fast the world around you is speeding by? Me too.

Dear Mason - 5 Months

Do you know what happened in the last month of your life? BIG THINGS my little bug, big things. I know that if you could read right now you would probably roll your eyes and say "shut up about Obama already, mom", but I really can't help myself. All I will say is that I am so happy that I brought you into this world to sort of witness this great event in American History. And now I am done.

Of course, YOU did some wonderful things this month. You had your first fruits and veggies and I have to say that I still get very excited when I know it is time for you to eat. The faces you make are priceless and you are quick to let us know if you are enjoying yourself or not. You have really started giggling a lot easier than last month and you love to laugh at daddy (don't we all?). You also moved on to 6 month clothes which was kind of bittersweet since OMG you moved on to 6 month clothes and I had to pack up all the little 3 month clothes. You also outgrew your infant tub and moved on to the big tub. We had to buy a cushy bathmat since you haven't quite mastered sitting up on your own yet.

One night last week we took you out to eat. In a restaurant. Which never happens because you usually make it miserable for us by screaming the entire time. This time was different. You sat there in a highchair OMG and giggled and talked to waitresses and watched a tennis match on the TV. You actually went to bed about an hour later than usual, which used to equal a sleepless night because HEAVEN FORBID we put you to bed an hour late. But that didn't happen. You slept all night just like it was any other night.

You are starting to have a little separation anxiety which kind of cramps my style since I am not allowed to leave the room, pee, or anything unless you are able to see me. This also included two nights of you waking up every single hour to make sure your dad and I were still alive. Role reversal much?

You are still the sunshine of our lives, and trust me, there is not much of that going on outside right now. That's why we stay indoors with you where we can cuddle and hug and kiss you without getting frostbite.

Dear Mason - 4 Months

Dear Mason,

What a month it has been. The past month has BY FAR been my favorite. Not because you FINALLY began sleeping for long stretches at night (I dream now, did I tell you that?), or laughing, smiling all.the.time, "talking" up a storm, or being incredibly cute, but because you are you. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Your personality is really starting to show and what a personality it is! It is hard to believe that last year at this time we were starting to tell people about you. Now we have this beautiful, funny, loving little boy.

We started giving you cereal recently and you seriously LOVE IT. You think it is hilarious when I make airplane noises. Speaking of you thinking I am hilarious, It boggles my mind that the things that I think would make you giggle do not. It is just the normal things that I do that you think are so freaking funny. Like blowing my hair out of my eyes. I did not know that was so funny! Actually, I am used to people laughing at me for my every day activities, so it's cool.

Your napping schedule drives us insane still. You need to learn that you do not function well on 45 minute naps all day long, but I haven't been able to communicate this to you yet. Something about you being a baby and not understanding me? I don't know. Like all things so far in your tiny life, hopefully it will work itself out. Napping aside, you are a wonderful little guy. Yes, you STILL hate the car seat and scream your head off in the car, YES you don't like taking naps, BUT you are Mason. And we wouldn't trade you or your little quirks for the world.

Dear Mason - 3 Months

Dear Mason,

Another month has gone by and it just keeps getting better and better. This past month started out to be a challenge, but recently you have turned into such an angel. Your dad and I constantly talk about what a good boy you are. You really are an easy baby and we are so lucky. You still love to eat and are counting down the days until you can have some "solid" foods.

Nap-time is beginning to be less and less of a challenge, but you still have your bad days where you just don't want to take a nap. Nighttime is awesome - you go to bed between 7:30pm and 8pm and don't wake up until somewhere between 4:30am and 6am. After a bottle, you go back to sleep until 7:30am or 8! Once you are up for the day, you usually lay in bed between us and smile and talk until you realize you are hungry!

Your favorite noises to make are "bahhh" and "booo". The other day, you chuckled! It was so funny and completely caught us off guard. You are so strong and love to do sit-ups with my help and when on your belly, you lift your head and body up off the ground. Your car seat is still your nemesis and you cry a lot in the car. We are hoping that you get used to it someday soon because leaving the house is pretty much a disaster right now.

You had your first Thanksgiving last week and got so much lovin' from my family. You were quite the flirt and smiled and talked to everyone. Next up is your first Christmas and you already love to look at the Christmas tree. Yes, you are a sweet baby BUT there is a different side to you. There are times (especially when you are tired) that you decide to abuse me. You pull my hair, scratch me, pinch my neck, punch me in the throat and scream in my ear. Your dad thinks this is funny of course, but it hurts! You are way too strong for your own good!

We love you so much and every day is a blessing with you in our lives. So far, this month is my favorite. I love seeing your adorable smile and hearing your little voice. Keep it up big man, but don't grow up too fast!

Dear Mason - 2 Months

2 Months Old

Dear Mason,

Today, you turn 2 months old! You are such a big boy and you have changed so much this past month. You now smile at us and talk to us all the time, which is so refreshing after a month of you crying! We really started to figure you out this month and learned that pretty much the root of all of your problems was that you just weren't sleeping enough. Now that we have you on a good schedule and you are taking good naps throughout the day, everyone is happier and you sleep longer at night! SCORE!

One of your favorite things is the exercise gym that Aunt Chrissy let us borrow. You especially love the red bird and the lights and music. You also still love Jacques the Peacock and your new friend is the big Caterpillar that plays "If You're Happy and You Know It". You also think it is hilarious when mommy signs along. You also love your sound machine and the raindrop noise. You sleep so much better with that noise on! Bath time, or "tubby time" as we call it is definitely one of your happiest times. You love the warm water and kick your legs and coo like crazy. Recently, you discovered that there was a mirror on your left side and you love to stare at yourself. After tubby time is when you really get going. You talk non-stop while we give you a massage and dry you off. You absolutely love to be naked, but who doesn't?!

You drink 5 ounces of formula every 3-4 hours, play for a little while, then usually sleep for 1.5-2 hours. This is your little routine and it is wonderful! Bedtime for you is around 8pm and you eat one more time around 10:30pm before you sleep for usually 5-5.5 hours straight! Mommy and daddy love you for this!

Today you went for your 2 month well baby appointment, but it turns out you weren't so well. This morning you woke up with a nasty cough and stuffy nose. It is so hard to hear you cough and struggle. Luckily, we had the doctor's appointment and she was able to check you out. Your temperature was 99.9 rectally, which is good. There really isn't much we can do for you except run the humidifier and elevate your mattress to help with your congestion. We went ahead with two of your shots and you only cried for a minute. The doctor also wanted to see how well you hold your head up when on your stomach and you rolled over onto your back for her! You are so strong! You weighed 11 pounds, 15 ounces (50%) and measured 22.25 (25%) inches long.

We love you so much and enjoy watching you change and grow every day. You make us laugh so hard with your gas expulsion and the fact that you now know what your bottle is and will stare longingly at it when we burp you. I think you are getting a little too smart for us. Soon you will be balancing the checkbook and doing our taxes.

Here's to another wonderful month big man!

Dear Mason - 1 Month

Dear Mason,

Today you are one month old and what a trying, challenging and rewarding month it has been. You don't like to sleep during the day for long periods of time. In fact, I am furiously typing this entry scared out of my mind that you are about to start crying for the 18th time in the past hour any second now. You have definitely proven to have such a strong little personality and you teach your dad and I new things about ourselves every day.

You have taught us that we no longer control when we get to shower, eat or talk on the phone. You have also taught us that we are stronger than we thought, and that we continue to get stronger both physically (you and your car seat are heavy!) and mentally. Every day seems to get a little easier with you, and all of the tough moments are always followed with one that makes us smile.

You are really settling into a pattern now and love to be awake and stare at your aquarium or Jacques the Peacock. You always give us a little smile whenever you are about to fall asleep (even if it is only for 10 minutes) and no matter how frustrated or tired we are, it always makes us smile too.

You are a great little nurser now and have shown me that I am good at breastfeeding, making it that much more difficult for me to stop (which I always planned on doing, more on that later). Your butt has been our biggest challenge to date and I think we finally are getting it under control. Who knew I would have such a sensitive little man?! Yesterday at the doctors, you weighed 9lbs 8oz! Slow down! You are growing too fast for me!

As tiring and as much work as you are, we love you more than anything we have ever loved in our lives. We cannot wait to watch you grow and change!