I am one funny bitch.

Untitled from Tiffany Luc on Vimeo.

Sneaky Bastards

Do you know that Babies R Us now offers a rewards program? I feel like they were hush hush about it for a while, but now it is pretty much out there. Sign up. Do you also know that I should have had $15 in rewards coming to me from BRU? Yeah. They should have been to my house by now via snail mail. Do you also know that my HUSBAND likes to throw away mail that looks like it might motivate me to spend more money? You know, like things that come from BRU, Target, Bed Bath & Beyond, etc? Looks like my $15 rewards are now mixed in with my dirty diaper bolster pillows at the landfill. I worked really hard to get those rewards, damnit! I have known his little coupon-pitching secret for a while now but chose to just play dumb wife and pretend like I had no clue. I told him he might have well just throw $15 in the trash BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE DID.

Look who else is getting the SNEAKY BASTARD AWARD: Pampers!! Did you know that they also have a rewards program? You probably do, although I will file this in my "things that they forget to tell you when you have kids" folder. I had to find out for myself one day when I wondered what those damn green stickers were on the inside of my diaper packaging. I guess the big GIFTS TO GROW verbage on the FRONT of the package wasn't enough for me. Hmph.

Another sneaky bastard: The top left front tooth in Mason's mouth. That tooth is an asshole. It wakes Mason up every day at 6am and is all "Let's play! Talk to me and wake up your parents!" I want to be all, "STFU toooooth and come out and face your maker already."

I guess I will just have to SHOP at BRU for DIAPERS and ORAJEL to make up for my LOST REWARD DOLLARS.

You people upset me. Leave me alone.

Practice Makes Perfect?

Evidently, the infamous giant cupcake is a difficult task to achieve. I do not bake. I am not good at it. There are still 4 months until Mason's first birthday. Plenty of time for me to learn and perfect my new craft, right? Then I remembered my Christmas cookie fiasco - who knew that 'softened butter' didn't mean 'microwave-melted butter'.

I present you with my very first attempt at the Wilton Giant Cupcake aka Mason's first birthday smash cake:

It tasted so gooooood. I think I did pretty well for my first try. I didn't buy any icing, so I whipped some up of my own and did some quicky decorations for fun. Let me know if anyone out there wants to hear my technique for baking this beast.

Yes, I am gross.

Before I had Mason, I would see vomit and pretty much vomit myself. I also hated when I could smell even the tiniest bit of someone else's breath, and boogers, ick. Now, NOW I am the booger patrol. I actually get excited when I see crusty boogers hanging out of Mason's nose, or any other baby's nose for that matter. Then there is his breath. I make it a point to stick my nose in his face when he wakes up. I think his breath is the sweetest-smelling thing on earth.

Two nights ago, our poor neighbors were witness to projectile vomiting of turkey and sweet potatoes mixed with a little formula. Usually, this would have triggered my gag reflex immediately, but not anymore. Then when Paul spilled the puke all over the floor and my foot, it was gross but I was more worried about Mason. Poor guy.

Have I talked about his sweat yet? The kid radiates heat from his body and when he wakes up he is soaked with sweat. And I love it. It smells so good! I wish I could bottle his little smells. Minus the poop of course. That NEVER smells good. See what being a mother does to you? Of course BABY sweat and BABY breath and BABY boogers are way cuter than the adult counterpart, I would never go for a cliffhanger in my husband's nose.

Presenting

I had a wonderful (or I seemed to think so at the time) idea the other day while I was Spring Cleaning my house. That wonderful idea turned into my newest baby: The Clever Mom Blog (<-that's a link, click it!). Go take a look, but not too closely, because she is still a work in progress. I have already written two posts, but I wanted to wait a little while to launch it so that I could work on some things and get used to the layout but who cares?!

People constantly ask me questions like, "How do you have time to shave your legs?" and "Where did you come up with that idea?" and "Why are you so wonderful?"...okay maybe not the last one, but a girl can dream, right? So, I decided that it was time to share. I am really excited to get all of my tricks, ideas and advice out there. Some of them I have come up with myself, some things I learned from other people. I am going to try and make it as interesting as possible and PLEASE remember that it is still a work in progress, it will get better, I promise. I plan on having guest bloggers, contests and more so GO! Read! Tell your friends! Leave comments, suggestions, hate mail, whatever! Enjoy!

Oh and PS. I Twitter over there. Because all the cool kids are doing it. So follow me!

Elmo is God, Giggles, Squirrels and Bubble-spewing Hippos

Fast forward to 2:25 for Elmo excited-ness. Weeeeeeeeeeee! Giggles start around 3:00. AND if you have lots of time, my dad's squirrel-chase begins at 3:47 and lastly, My Family vs the Hippo Bubble Maker begins at 4:45. Yes, I have no clue how to upload videos from my camcorder to my computer. Kiss my ass.



First Easter from Tiffany Luc on Vimeo.

Ridiculousismisosityism

Example 1:

His first Easter basket that the Easter bunny hid in our laundry room. It contained an Elmo book, which has become known as THE Elmo book, Mason's Bible, Thy Holiest Elmo Booketh. Once I get my ass in gear and upload the videos off of the video camera, I will have further proof to support my case for the love of the book.

Example 2:

Mason took the book with him to visit his grandma and grandpa.

Example 3:

This is where Mason receives his second Easter basket...errr plus present aka Christmas 2.0. Ballpopper funnnn! Mommy chase the balls because I do not crawl yet! Mommy why are you drinking the wine straight out of the bottle?

Example 4:

Mommy starts taking pictures of things that currently piss her off:

Seriously, can someone tell me when they started adding f'ing SCREWS to toy packages? What, were the impossible twisty-ties not enough to torture parents? Nooooo some dickhead at the toy company decided that babies were evolving and that the twisties weren't strong enough anymore to keep their chubby fingers from getting a hold of that bottle of bubble solution and drinking it down, with their SPECTACULAR coordination and all.

What's even more ridiculous? This post is not over. I have more to add from Easter, but allergies: I haz them. Floaty, disconnected, IMSOHIGH feeling from the allergy medication: I haz that as well and computer screen is giving me headache.

The Tooth.

A couple days ago, Mason bit down on my finger like he does at least 80 times a day. This time, it hurt. I felt something. I nubbin. A TOOTH nubbin. We have been waiting for this little asshole (the tooth) to come out and play for a while now. I knew there was something behind Mason's recent model citizen behavior.

It seems to inch closer and closer to the surface every day, and since we have forced Mason's mouth open every hour to look at the progress, he will no longer let you have a looky, only a feely. So we wait. Along with an incoming tooth comes more FUN stuff like explosive diarrhea, MORE DROOL, babyrexia and more.chewing.more! I cannot begin to tell you how many times he has pooped in the last two days, and the new diaper rash he now has because of it. This is all so exciting! Why did I ever wish he would get his first tooth again?

Dear Mason - 7 Months

Dear Mason,

Sometimes, life happens. Sometimes, mommy is not always on time. This is especially true once the person that used to be called Tiff, is now mom. Before you, I used to be punctual, early even. I was NEVER late. NEVER. I always had a built-in buffer zone of 5-10 minutes so that if something were to happen, I would still be on time. Here I am, no longer Tiff, now mommy-Tiff and look at me. 4 days late on your monthly letter. 10 minutes late for your third swimming lesson (it's only a 30 minute class).

When I realized that I only had 3 minutes to make the 10 minute drive to swimming yesterday, I didn't panic like I once would. I smiled. I looked back at your reflection in your extra-large mirror (another on the must-have list) and I smiled. I was late for a swimming class. Not a client meeting. I have a son, and since I was too busy playing with him to notice the time, I was running late...to his swimming class. The anxiety I once felt is gone. Whether it is mommy's crazy pills, the expensive therapy sessions, or just plain LOVE, the bad stuff has disappeared - all because of a little, fat, happy baby named Mason. You are a rolling machine. ROLLING. Something that once caused me a sleepless night (OMG, my son is BEHIND, there is something wrong, why is he not rolling, he has autism!!!) came and went in a blink of an eye. You roll like crazy. You are normal. There is nothing wrong with you that you didn't inherit from your parents - and that is that you do things on your own time, not when some stupid author/doctor/random lady at the grocery store tells you you should. You are a little fish. You giggle at nothing and everything. You talk to the microwave. You roll. You warm hearts. You light up rooms. You are irresistible. You are mine.You have no idea how incredibly lucky you are. Do you know how many built-in friends you have already? You have 2 cousins that are within 7 months of your age either way, a new friend that was born yesterday, another 3 on the way, and don't forget the 4 other cousins you have that are older, wiser, and probably the ones who will at one point in your life invite you to little sibs weekend at their colleges, or buy you beer when you aren't quite 21. You also have an extended group of baby-friends that are the children of mommy's internet friends. And DOGS! DOGS! are your friends. You love DOGS! Every month gets better and better with you. I go to bed at night thinking, "how can I possibly love him any more?" but somehow, you make me. My heart just bursts every time you smile at me.

Part Two! (aka SEE I didn't forget)

Ahem.

One word. JUMPEROO. Mason could jump in this thing for HOURS and he has. See what a great mom I am? No really, this thing is like heaven on springs.

Sassy Formula Dispenser. I had another brand with only 3 compartments, but then I found this one with FOUR! Mason typically drinks 4 bottles a day now so this is perfect. I fill it up every morning so it is ready for the day. It is so much easier to dump the powder into the bottles from this thing than from the stupid scoop. It is also super convienient to throw in the diaper bag for outings as well.Fisher Price Space Saver Highchair. I hump this thing daily. It doesn't take up any room (hence the name) and is extremely easy to clean PLUS it turns into a booster seat. LASTLY, it is not obnoxious colorWet bags. I use one from Wet Happened? These are perfect to have in your diaper bag. I have two since I rotate two diaper bags. I use them for dirty diapers, soiled clothes, wet bathing suits, food containers, dirty bibs, spoons, etc. I of course wash it (IN WITH THE LAUNDRY!) after soiled items have been in it. Come on now. You need some. Get them.

Again, all pictures are from Babies R Us and Amazon dot com. They also represent the actual colors, patterns and whatevers that I have. Not actual size. No one paid me to do this, but I will accept checks in the mail. Email for address. Have a nice day. Go forth and BUY!

Hello

Welcome to the world Jason! We love you!

You don't realize how monsterous your baby has become until you hold a little 6lb 4oz-er. And you also don't realize how shitty your hair looks after being out in the rain all day until you get home and look over the photos you took of your new nephew/godson. Shitastic! Don't be fooled oh-loyal readers. There will be no more baby Luc's coming from this uterus for a while no matter how NOMMable newborns are.