Lesson 9- Babies are funny.

Asleep While Eating...Again. from Tiffany Luc on Vimeo.

The BEST skill.

Lesson 8 - Put down the Windex

Since I suffered from some MAJOR anxiety in the beginning, I felt like my house was in shambles at all times. And it was. Okay, maybe not shambles, but definitely not up to our standards. What I didn't, couldn't realize was that HI! You just had a baby. No, really. You were just in labor for 30 hours before it was decided that you had a "special" pelvis and couldn't deliver a baby. Oh, and guess what else? You haven't slept in EIGHTYBAZILLION years. Chill, lady.
Any time Mason was sleeping, or someone else was holding him, it took everything in me to not jump up and clean. A lot of times I couldn't fight the urge and would clean, forgoing showers, meals and sleep to clean my stupid house. Seriously, how stupid is that?
If there is one "Lesson" you pay attention to and take any little morsel of advice from, let this be it. Step away from the duster. People will understand. Or better yet, have someone else clean for you for a little while - or at least until you get your sanity and clean hair back. You are not a bad mother or wife for doing this.
Who wants to spend any of the "free" time that you get (and it is very little) cleaning, eating, showering, or doing any of the other everyday things that we all must do? How fulfilling is that? The best mothering skill I learned was how to take a shower with Mason watching in his bouncy seat, or clean the house with him happily riding in his carrier on my back, or eating with one hand - or better yet, handing him off to Paul or someone else.
Spend the precious moments while the baby is sleeping by READING, watching TV, napping, grocery shopping, writing a blog - whatever butters your muffin. I cannot stress how much this improved my mood and level of happiness. This doesn't go on forever. I now shower while Mason plays with a laundry basket. I clean while he chases the vacuum. He eats when we eat (and feeds himself!). And when he naps? I surf the Internet, watch DVR'd shows and sometimes !gasp! nap.
My house is clean, my hair is clean and everyone is happy.

Does this make any sense at all?

Lesson 7 (I think) - You just wait.

Ah. The dreaded three word phrase of parenting and one-uppers. Your kid won't sleep through the night? You just wait - my kid is 7 years old and still not sleeping through the night. Baby refuses to take a nap? Oh honey, you just wait - they never want to take naps until they are teenagers, then they never want to wake up. Not sleeping well because you are nine months pregnant and the baby is sitting on your sciatic nerve? You just wait until the baby is actually here! YOU JUST WAIT!

What am I waiting for, exactly, oh mother-of-doom/debbie downer? Really, I hate this phrase. It may be a little more than hate. There is something inside of you as a parent that kind of clicks once you have a child. You want to warn everyone that OMG YOU HAVE IT SOOOOO MUCH WORSE. Paul and I have done it before - not so much anymore but definitely in the beginning when we were all "NO MORE BABIES!" and "THIS BLOWS THE BIG ONE WHAT WERE WE THINKING?" because we were not sleeping and totally delirious and where is the Ambien/can we still give him back to the hospital? We did this particularly when a friend or family member announced that they were pregnant. How awesome are we?

So there it is. My diagnosis of why parents feel the need to use scare tactics on each other. We are not trying to make you feel better, because if we were, we would say something like: "Baby isn't sleeping through the night yet? It does get better." Even then, that phrase used to annoy the hell out of me. No, my friends, we are trying to make US feel better. Just another reason why we should all shut the hell up and smile and coo over how extremely cute your new baby is. But I write a blog, so I guess I am constantly putting "it" out there.

To sum it all up. God, I hate that phrase, but it's use it inevitable. And since you made it through this rambling/does not make sense at all post (I love BACKSLASHES today) ////////////// look! A cute, snot covered baby!

2

Lesson 6 - A little diddy about birth control.

There once was a young couple in love. One day, two years ago, they got married. They knew they wanted children but were not sure when. They decided it was okay if she went off of birth control because it would take a while for it to clear out of her system....right?

Well, two years later, they now have an 11 month old.

What is the moral of the story here kids? The moral is that fate is real. Happiness is real. Love is real and it cannot be stopped. Not even by pumping your body full of hormones for 10 years.

Happy 2nd Anniversary lovie. I love you more and more every second. Even when you agree that it is probably okay to stop birth control. You are supposed to be the smart one in this relationship. Kidding. Thank you for my beautiful son - he is our love brought to life for everyone to see.

A whole different language.

Lesson 5 - Language Explosion

Okay, maybe not a lesson...but I am sure I can spin it as one. I just really wanted to share this with all of you. Over the last week, Mason has really started "talking", or trying to anyways. He has always been a chatterbox, but none of it really made sense to us. Recently he started saying the following:

-bye-bye
-kitty
-cow
-dog
-dada (this one has been going on for a while, but he gets who he is talking about now HUGE difference)
-mama (same as above)
-"nana" means he wants food...just figured that one out
-papa
-baba & all of the other ones like that.

Here's my spin:

Dear Tiff and Paul,

Stop using bad words in front of your child NOW before he starts riding around the local big box hardware store and saying "fuckfuckfuck" when you ask him how the ducky goes.

Sincerely,

Your Conscience

Golden Books are always too long for bedtime.

Lesson 4: Lying is okay.

While reading Mason his bedtime story...

Paul: Let's read the Pokey Little Puppy.
Me: That's a long one.
Paul: Well, he's not grabbing the pages of the book yet, maybe we'll make it through.
Me: ::snark snark snark silently to self::
Paul: "Once upon a time, there were five little puppies...."
Me: ::yawn::
(Mason starts grabbing the book on the second page and tries to close it)
Paul: (after struggling for two pages to wrestle the book away from Mason and continue reading, but only getting to page 4 of 80 bagillion) "...and they all ran down the hill. The End."
Me: And out into the road where they got hit by a truck. Mason, never run out into the road. That was the best story ever.

It's a sickness.

Lesson 3: YAY BOOGERS

The strangest thing happens once you have a baby: you become obsessed with everything that oozes out of their tiny little body. I actually get excited when Mason wakes up with crusty boogs in his nose. I love them. He hates when I try to pick them out. It is totally disgusting and twisted, but I cannot help myself.

Do you see it? Do you see the booger?!

The poop. Oh the poop. In the beginning, it is all "what color is it?", "is it seedy?", "Awww honey look! Meconium!". Breastmilk poops are the FUNNEST. They are runny, gross, but surprisingly don't smell. After that, once I switched to formula, NASTY CITY. Smelly, smelly, smelly poop. And solids? Don't even get me started! Sometimes there is a thick, black fog of poo-smells that creeps under the nursery door and straight up into my nose, burning every tiny hair in sight.

I never thought I would be one of those moms who licks her thumb and cleans her child's face. OH I am. Especially if there are crusty boogers involved. Gagging while you read this? You just wait! (stay tuned for a lesson on that very phrase: YOU JUST WAIT!)